


Never Argue with Your Doctor

by Kittywitch



Series: Three Fics One Line Challenge [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Gen, only as shippy as most Big Finish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 20:17:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3222047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittywitch/pseuds/Kittywitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To talk themselves out of a prison, Peri has to feign inebriation, and the Doctor has to not crow about one of his plans actually coming together for once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Argue with Your Doctor

 

            "They looked friendly."

            "No matter how many times you say that, it's not going to get us out of here."

The Doctor paced the small room, his jacket flaring about him. It wasn’t a _cell_ , they weren’t _imprisoned_ , they hadn’t been _arrested._ But nevertheless, there they were in that small room.

            “So Doctor, how are we going to get out of here?” Peri asked, leaning against the wall. He frowned at her.

            “Why is it that you are constantly finding new ways to get us into trouble?” he huffed. “And why is it _I_ am always the one getting us out of it?”

            “Well, this time it was _your_ fault.” she pointed out.

            “But they looked friendly!” he protested. “And _you_ certainly didn’t help.”

            “I did my best!” Peri whined. “I tried to talk them out of it-”

            “Which is why the nice peacekeepers asked us to wait for them here.” he simpered, spreading his arms. “And here we are.”

            “People usually don’t react like that…”

            “There are propriety laws, Peri!”

            “I asked nicely!”

            “You thrust your bosoms at them!” he spat in frustration, wheeling about on his heel. The Doctor felt a bit silly saying that, but it was more or less what had happened, so he didn't amend his statement. He continued his pacing, ramming his hands into his pockets. She pouted and sank down the wall a few inches.

            “So what are we gonna do, Doctor?” she whined.

            “And why, pray tell, are you asking me?”

            “Well, you did just say that you’re the one who gets us out of trouble when I get us into it.”

            “Well, I suppose it is to each of us to take the task we are most suited to.” he sighed. He narrowed his eyes and tapped his finger to his lips. Peri smiled weakly in trepidation and took a few steps towards him. That was the Doctor getting an idea. She had only just realized that might not end well for her.

            With a large, dramatic movement, he pointed directly at her face. He only narrowly avoided hitting her nose.

            "Peri, you are drunk." he announced.

            "No, I'm not." she protested.

            "Don't argue with your doctor." he responded firmly. “You are drunk, and we need to get you home. Do you understand me, Peri?”

            Her eyes grew wide in understanding, and the companion nodded.

            In a moment; her posture switched from what he’d come to expect from her to indecorous to downright vulgar. He’d never asked for her to be so deceptive before, and he was quite surprised-- impressed, mind, but also surprised—by her acting.

 

            The young woman swayed in place, leaning to her left in an increasingly distressing angle. It wasn't until she was about forty-five degrees to the floor that it occurred to the Doctor she was expecting to be caught.

            He dove in, catching her roughly about the middle and dragging her into an erect, but believably drunken position.

            "Don't overdo it, Peri." he grumbled, adjusting his grip on his friend to a more delicate and gentlemanly one. The young woman's face moved quickly through several expressions; trepidation that he might not actually catch her in time, relief that he had, a sort of mixture of shock and bewilderment as she made sense of what had been brushed past and what was actually grabbed, annoyance at being scolded for following his foolish instructions; before with some difficulty, returning to the happily drunk expression. The Doctor found his body sort of pulled to one side by her weight, and tried to adjust so that most of her mass rested on his hip before staggering to the door of the cell.

            "You know, you _can_ walk a bit." he grumbled with annoyance. "I shouldn't think _that_ will give too much away."

            "Don't do this, do do this. You are the most difficult to please man I've ever met."

            "Oi! You'll watch your tongue!"

            "Sorry, Doctor, it must be the drink talking."

He narrowed his eyes at her and banged on the door to the chamber.

            "Guard! Guard, come over here!"

 

            After a moment, a tall guard clad in matte white armor came to examine them through the window on what would be the cell door if the room was a cell. The Doctor smiled apologetically at the guard, whose eyes turned from the woman to the young woman he was supporting in confusion.

            "My young friend here has had a bit too much fun." he chuckled nervously. Peri smiled with a disconnected sort of contentment at the guard, and waved slightly. The guard stiffened and stared at Peri in horror.

            "Now, of course I can understand there are of course protocols for public drunkenness that must be followed on this planet, but I wonder if we couldn't get a drink of water or a pillow for the girl?"

            The guard backed away from the door.

            "..is... is that girl..?" he stammered.

            "Oh, three sheets to the wind, that's all." the Doctor laughed. "I keep telling her not to overdo it, but as soon as my eyes are off her, you know..." he chuckled nervously and mimed a downing a bottle. Then pocketing it and drinking a second, which was dropped on the ground.

            He leaned towards the window and lowered his voice conspiratorially.

            "In fact I rather fancy that's why she got so friendly with the fellow in the marketplace. Last time I saw her like this she... well, no one knows where her pants went. I was there and I don't know."

            "What?" Peri exclaimed, pushing away from the Doctor.

            "See? She can't remember it at all."

            "...we... we have other prisoners, you know!" the guard said nervously, staring at Peri. "The cells next to yours, they're-- you can't-- it's not safe!"

            "Oh, I'm sure it won't spread, she's not as drunk as all that. The poor girl can't hold her drink at all. Although... she did have more clothes on when we went out this morning."

            "Why didn't you say this when you were arrested?!" the guard demanded.

            "Ah, that's the thing. We weren't arrested. We weren't processed, we weren't questioned, strictly speaking we aren't even prisoners." He pursed his lips as if a thought were only just occurring to him. "Well, there's a thought. If we aren't prisoners, should we be here endangering everyone else?"

            The guard looked shiftily at Peri, like he didn't want to rest his gaze on her for too long.

            "I'm a doctor, I could put her in quarantine." he offered. "...but I think I should escort her rather than you. She isn't affecting me, and, if I may be frank, your eyes are looking just a bit pink..."

            The guard retreated from the door in clear dismay.

            "I think you should have a glass of water." the Doctor suggested sagely. The man nodded.

            "But first, you'd better let us out, hadn't you?" The man nodded again, moved forward, hesitated, then struck the latch-pad with the end of his ornamental spear rather than get any closer to the prisoners. The door slid open, and the guard retreated.

 

            "Doctor..?" Peri began in her normal tone, but a quick glance from her friend made her switch to the play-intoxicated voice.

            "Why are they acting all funny like that?"

            "Empathy, Peri. Most sentient beings have it to a degree, but this culture prizes it and fosters it in its people. So much so, in fact, that they often find themselves feeling one another's emotions whether they want to or not." he looked down at her. "And if one is trying to get work done, particularly in an official setting it's dreadfully inconvenient for them to be intoxicated. It takes an active effort for one of them to stay sober around a drunk person. They're afraid of you. To paraphrase someone from your time: 'I have a drunk and I'm not afraid to use her'. "

            "If they're empathic, can't they tell that I'm playing, though?"

            "They should be trying to block you out at this time; to keep from losing their heads. With luck they should believe they're shielding themselves admirably. I don't suppose it hurts anything much to fluff the guards' pride just a bit. I also fancy your acting helped. That's why I told you that you were drunk, not to play drunk. It helped you think drunk thoughts."

            “I don’t think I’m thinking drunk thoughts right now…”

            “Well then, I rather think you ought to try to think drunk thoughts.”

            “If you think you want me thinking drunk thoughts, then you’ve never thought about what I think about when I’m drunk and thinking.”

            “I’m sure I don’t think about what you think while you’re thinking drunk thoughts, though if I had to think about it, I should think you would not think about thinking how drunk you are.” He paused a moment and blinked.

            "I think we ought to stop this line of thought before it gets any more circular.” he commented.

            “I don’t know, it sure is helping me feel drunk.”

            “More to the point, if you are drunk it would explain your impropriety..."

            "I was just trying-" she started with emotion. He turned his head away from her as if her breath was thick with alcohol. She glanced up and noticed another guard watching them at a distance.

            "...I mean... you... started the trouble all by yourself. Started a fight with that guy. Just tried to help. Be friendly."

            "Lean forward." he added darkly.

            "Hey. If you haven't noticed me doing that before-- and _it working_ \-- you should be the one playing drunk." Peri kept the soft, disconnected voice that had convinced the guards she was drunk, but was clearly not choosing her words to play the part.

 

            The Doctor glanced over his shoulder to the holding area they had just exited. The guards looked as glad to be rid of them as they were to be rid of the guards, and the TARDIS was in sight.

            "Well done, my dear." he purred. He set his head on top of hers fondly. This would have very nearly been sweet had she not decided to look up at him at that moment. The crown of her head met his chin sharply and both of them broke away, rubbing the affected areas.


End file.
